usedup blogging at elowel.org
i'm done with this. i cant do it.
why cant we just be completely straight forward with eachother?
tell me what you want
I'll tell you what I want
tell me what the deal is with her
i'll tell you what the deal is with him
i thought you didnt love her anymore
i dont love him anymore
i dont feel the way i used to feel
i dont know if thats because of you
or because its gotten too serious and i'm just scared
i'm just trying to be honest
it just makes me feel better
my head is such a mess
and i feel like youre fucking with it
i'll never trust you
i can trust him though
so why cant i just be in love with him?
i dont know. maybe i need a break.
I have GOT to figure out how to be happy with myself
by myself
and do things because i want to do them for me

look, the shit thats gone on since we started talking again just fucks with my head
you know this. and i dont necessarily think you mean for that to happen
but i dont care, that's what's happening
so if you want something with me, work on making it happen
if you dont, if its all just talk, just be my goddamn friend, and nothing else
no touching, no kissing, no sweet talk, none of that bullshit
and if you dont think youre capeable of that, that's okay,
leave me the fuck alone
do the right thing
youre an adult
no more bullshit
it makes sense 10-19-07 09:37
So falling in love is the absolute best feeling a person can possibly have, right? Well then I guess it makes sense that falling out of love is the absolute worst feeling a person could possibly have. I just keep thinking, "I love him, but i don't love him anymore". I'm so selfish. I know I could be much happier with someone else. That someone else just isn't ever going to make me happy, I don't think. He keeps making me think that he will and maybe that's why I feel like I don't love the one I'm with anymore. If the one I want wanted nothing to do with me, I probably would feel like I was still in love with the one I'm with. i should really just make up fake names for the two of them so its not so confusing. whatever. I really am selfish. I just don't want to be alone. I can't be alone. I refuse to be alone. I will do whatever it takes. I hope Karma isn't real. I hope God understands why I'm being such a horrible person. I hope he doesn't punish me. I thought what I always wanted was a person I could trust and a secure relationship. THIS IS WHAT I ALWAYS WANTED. WHY AM I NOT HAPPY??
11-23-06 04:12
I'm back, I guess? I don't know. We'll see if I actually stay consistant with this or not. And isn't it funny? Cause I hate it when bloggers go months without posting.

And why is it that my thoughts never come out the way I think them in my head? It seems like I think the same things over and over but when I try to write them out they sound different.

How do you know he means it when a guy looks you in the eyes and tells you he loves you, and that he's in love with you? And does it make sense for him to say that and then tell you that he isnt ready to be with you...he doesnt want to jump into anything...that he just needs to get his shit together...

god I hope no one I know is on elowel.

anyway, what the hell is a guy doing when he's ''getting his shit'' together? and why am I so worried about it? I wish I could just focus my energy somewhere else! I'm trying!! Grrrrr. It's just that nothing's really worth that much unless you have someone to share it with. you know?
But I just want to disappear. What am I worth? Nothing. Who needs me? No one. What's important about me? Not enough. There just isnt any reason for me to be here. My life is pointless. But there are other lives that you might say are just as meaningless as mine. Why dont they want to disappear? What keeps them going? What makes them feel needed and important and not worthless? Why can't I get up and take a shower, call the doctor like I should have, let the dog out, do the dishes, wash my sheets and change the bed? All I can do is sleep and get on the internet when I'm alone. I cant get myself to do anything. I wish I had something that would make me want to live.
Myspace 06-25-06 02:58
http://www.helio.com/page?p=services_myspace

thank GOD. Now I can have myspace EVERY SECOND OF EVERYDAY. When I take a shit, I can post a bulletin and let all of my friends know! Now I won't ask people for their phone numbers, I'll ask them for their Myspace URL and I'll message them with my helio phone!
What did I do? 06-24-06 19:24
My best friend any my roomate are now best friends. I dont get invited to hang out, I dont get called, I only get to tag along if I happen to be home and they invite me because they think they have to. Fuck this. They're the only two friends I have left and I feel like they could care less about me anymore. What did I do to make this happen? I deserve good friends. I'm probably just being paranoid. I just feel so left out sometimes. I just dont have a circle of friends like I did 3 years ago, in high school. I need to have that again.
Sleep 06-13-06 08:26
Yesterday I slept until 6:30pm. I was up for a couple of hours somewhere in there, though. Sleep is like a drug for me. It's the only time I feel okay. The few moments before falling asleep I feel at peace because I know I'm about to make it all go away for a while. I just want it all to go away. I don't want to cry anymore. I dont want to feel worthless anymore. I dont want to feel like a failure, a liar, or like I'm crazy and my friends dont even want to be around me anymore. I just want something that will FIX this. But I dont know what that is, I dont know where to find it, and I dont know how to go out and get it. I've realized that I hold my life in my own hands. God isn't going to put what I need in my lap like I believed for so long. I believe in God, but I dont understand how he could ever let someone feel like I do. How could God let someone want to die? He created us to live and be happy. I'm just so scared because a lot of people struggle with this feeling their whole lives. I dont want this to go on any longer than it already has. How can I look forward to getting better when some people never do?

Well I'm waiting for the window guy to come here and fix my car window. Why do I have a feeling he wont even show up?
The Weekend 06-11-06 21:57
Well I didnt see him this weekend because he had some wedding going on. So I'm sure the girlfriend was with him all weekend. I call him, and he cant even take a second to text me and say he's busy? The only reason I know he had this wedding is because I saw him driving and I pulled up next to him and we talked for a minute. He asked if I was mad and I said that I was. So atleast I was honest and told him I was mad that he couldnt answer/return my calls. Not only this, but I got a ticket for having week old plates on thursday, then my car got broken into (window smashed) and my really nice stereo was stolen. Saturday I was supposed to go to a party and ended up falling asleep and not waking up until this morning. My weekend blew. I want to tell this guy I can't see him anymore. Yet I cant. He's such an asshole. Why do I do this to myself? He's a sleaze and I'm sure everyone thinks I'm a sleaze for seeing him. But I'm not. I've only ever been with two guys, including him, in my life. I dont think I'll ever find a new one. I really dont. Not unless I move or something. I dont want to be alone though. I just want someone to be there for me. Someone to look forward to seeing everyday. A reason to wake up in the morning. Someone to love me.
Hello, 06-08-06 10:18
My name is usedup. I'm new to elowel. my roomate says blogging might help me feel better. I've been in a state of horrible depression for about a year now. I was depressed before that, but its only been in the last year that I've felt like dying. I can hardly even consider myself as depressed last year when comparing it to this year. Feeling like you'd rather just die than live feeling the way that you do has got to be the worst possible feeling a person can have.

Currently I'm perplexed by the situation I'm in with a man. He has a girlfriend. I see him about once a week. It's basically only ever been about sex with us. I've told him before that I want a real relationship, but he just apologizes for the shitty situation and we go on the same way. I keep seeing him because I like him so much. He's perfect. Except for the fact that he has a girlfriend and only sees me when its convienient. Is the prospect of having sex with me really all he calls me for? Why would someone do that? Why can't men just be with one girl? Why can't he just love me? Is this fueling my depression? Probably. But how would I feel without him? Even more worthless, I'm afraid. This is the reason I chose the name usedup, by the way. Because I feel so used by him, I feel like part of me is gone. But I keep doing it anyway, because I dont really have anything better going on.